All Entries in the "Economy" Category
Kum & Go To Add Slot Machine Gas Pumps
Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how […]
In the Ozarks, Bank Of America Losing Ground To Bank of China
Springfield, MO- Due to multiple factors; the five-dollar debit card charge, a distrust of “bailed out” banks, and “Occupy Wall Street mania” many Ozarkians are switching from Bank of America to the newly created Bank of China. The new bank will offer free little red check books, a Great Wall mounted clock, and […]
“99.9 Percent” Movement Fights for Higher Anti-Bacterial Standards
Springfield, MO – On the heels of the Occupy Wall Street movement that refer to themselves as 99 percenters (those Americans who are less powerful than the top earning 1 percent) a new local movement has begun calling themselves the 99.9 percenters. They aim to raise awareness of the remaining 0.1 percent of bacteria and […]
Local Target Announces New Promotion: “MILFs all day everyday!”
Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area. Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers. They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the […]
Walmart to Develop Wal-borhoods for More Neighborhood Markets
Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The […]
Postal Service “Mails It In” Develops Mailbot
Springfield, MO – Frustrated by an antiquated business model and angered at the thought of financial collapse local mail carriers are simply mailing in their efforts until Congress fixes their centuries-old institution. Mailman Jonsey Harth said, “it’s about time we did something about all of this electronic mail, electronic bill payment and some hog […]
“Who Want’s to Be Deported?” to be Filmed in SGF
Springfield, Mo. - City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall. In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’. Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes […]
Springfield’s Employed/Unemployed Use YouTube to Escape Grim Reality
Springfield, MO – Much like the 1930′s, when thousands of unemployed workers took to movie theaters to escape their grim reality of joblessness, thousands of laid off workers use YouTube as a means for modern escapism. Also, the gainfully employed use YouTube just as much to escape their own reality. In fact, according to […]
Stock Collapse Predicted by Mayan Calendar
Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday. According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just […]
Couple Reaches Personal Debt Ceiling Agreement
Springfield, MO—Jerry and Trisha Thumbolt reached an historic agreement this week on a compromise to raise their new personal debt ceiling limit in exchange for more than $200,000 in long-term spending cuts. Mr. Thumbolt emphatically passed the emergency legislation Tuesday to avoid a first-ever Thumbolt family default, rushing the legislation to Mrs. Thumbolt for […]
Car Sale Increases Drive-By Shootings
Rogersville, MO – First Auto Outlet recently started a controversial promotion: buy a car, get a gun. Owner Duwayne Nortis insists that his auto dealership be as patriotic as possible, and that means “celebrating” the Second Amendment. “Nothing is more American than getting free stuff and then maybe using that stuff to do great harm […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Ghetto Ziplock® Brand Baggies Introduced
Springfield, MO—Locally based Jordan Valley Innovation Center has introduced a new product to the marketplace: Ziplock® branded ghetto baggies. The new sealable, portable storage devices are decorated with colorful graphics and have an urban look and feel for users who prefer to carry their perishables with more street cred. Innovation scientist Herby Jamison said, “No, […]
Anticipated Snow Melt To Boost City’s Revenues In An Unlikely Way
Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants. “I don’t know about […]
Gillioz Bankruptcy Boosts Ticket Sales
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the “going out of business” hype surrounding the Gillioz Theatre has been the best PR any business could hope to have. From the time the original loans were called in to the announcement of filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, ticket sales have been rapidly rising. “When I heard the theatre […]
