Author Archive for FairCityNews.com
Guide Spews Lies During Local Tour
Springfield, MO – Recent complaints have poured into the Missouri Department of Tourism following a guided tour by Southern Tours that included several prominent Springfield landmarks and points of interest. Several complaints were directed at the tour guide, known only as Terry the Tour Guide. “I grew up in this area and I’ve never heard […]
Snake Oil – April
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Geese Kill Man in Gang Related Retaliation
Springfield, MO – In what city leaders fear may escalate into all out interspecies gang warfare, a man, Charles Donald, 45, was found dead in his yard, the victim of an apparent honk-by. Five geese were seen by witnesses walking by the yard, then attacking with wings and beaks ablazing. The geese immediately flew off […]
Man on Square Relays Wisdom to Anyone Willing to Listen
Springfield, MO – Local man Olaf Pendergrass has been dispensing nuggets of knowledge to anyone willing to listen as they pass through the square each afternoon from 3-5 pm. The jewels of wisdom vary from common factoids to introspective riddles. “The first time I saw Pendergrass, he looked at me and said, ‘Tardy fish eat […]
Germans Deny SBC Märzen Gold World Beer Cup Win
Springfield, MO – Following an unprecedented victory in Denver, Colorado where the Springfield Brewing Company took the International Gold World Beer Cup in the Märzen category over several rival brewers, German participants are officially denying any such victory ever happened. The Springfield Brewing Company team went up against storied breweries who have a combined brewing […]
Mike the Intern
May is here. Finals are coming up, the kids are getting ready to get out of school and you are wondering why in the hell you don’t get a summer vacation like everyone else. Well you might not get a vaca but I can help you start one hell of a summer soundtrack. Bryan Adams […]
“Dot Com Parking” Now Available For Some Reason
Springfield, MO – The local Home Depot store has introduced a prestigious parking spot on their lot labeled “Dot Com Parking” displayed on an old piece of wood stuck in a bucket. Several questions arose around the newly christened piece of pavement none of which were more pressing than ‘what does one do in Dot […]
Colored Egg Rolls Highlight SGF Cashew Chicken Heritage
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to shine a light on a native cuisine, Springfield residents are coloring Easter egg rolls this month in honor of the Cashew Chicken dish created in this city. The Easter egg rolls are dyed multiple colors to resemble the more traditional Easter Egg. An Easter Egg Roll Hunt is […]
Crossfit…
Well, I have been gone for a while but I’m back. I have been training for the upcoming summer season. Its that time of year in which you have to get ready for the lake or pool and you want to appear fit. There are a number of ways to do so as we are […]
Caged People Fed By Animals
Strafford, MO – Organizers at Wild Animal Safari have announced a new tour that encourages patrons to sit in a cage and be fed by the wild animals on site. The change is in response to the USDA ruling that visitors to the park may no longer fed animals from their vehicles. “We strive to […]
KC Chimps Escape Highway Shooter
Kansas City, MO – Seven chimpanzees attempted to escape the area to avoid random shootings that have been plaguing the area for several weeks. The chimps successfully used a tree limp to escape the Kansas City Zoo, but were apprehended with food and the promise of improved security. “The chimps have a valid point. I […]
St. Louis Arch Adds McDonalds To Observatory
Springfield, MO – Local McDonald’s franchisee Dom Kittles announced that his company secured the rights to place a restaurant in the top of St. Louis’ Gateway Arch and plans to open this summer. The contract came as a surprise to Kittles who considered his business as a longshot for the opportunity. “The news was great, […]
Snake Oil – April
Mmmm….Snake Oil.
Staxx of Jelly Beans Reported at Farmer’s Market
Springfield, MO – Children of all ages are thrilled to hear the news that Staxx of Jelly Beans are being moved to the Farmer’s Market of the Ozarks soon. Mountains of jelly beans is exactly what customers expect once the move is complete and nothing less will satisfy the anticipation. “Once I heard ‘stacks, jelly […]
Hurts Donut Got What You Need
Springfield, MO – Local donut shop, Hurts, has announced a new line of baked goods: bismarcks filled with sausage and gravy. Hurts will roll out a new campaign to promote the menu item with famed beatboxer Biz Markie. You should also consume cheap viagra bananas, watermelon, pumpkin seeds, avocado, sesame seeds, pomegranate and almonds. You […]
