Author Archive for FairCityNews.com
Hipster Couple Mistakenly Enters Actual Old Bar
Springfield, MO – Unwittingly Lars Nettles and Feather Presnorth, a hipster couple here in the Ozarks, stumbled into one of the area’s oldest and coolest bars by mistake. The duo are known for discerning taste in watering holes and the late night entrance into Silverleaf Taproom on Republic road was a rare swerve in straight […]
Pillar of Salt Discovered on Commercial Street.
Last month, a work crew digging up the old storm sewers on Commercial Street uncovered a pillar of salt, about the size and shape of an adult human female. The contractor contacted the city and concerned C-Street business owners. If this turned out to be some kind of a bog person, it would have to […]
Fantastic Caverns Hosts Storm Refugees
Springfield, MO – Hordes of people have flocked to the ancient tornado protection grounds known commercially as Fantastic Caverns. Citizens and local government have relocated temporarily to avoid dangerous storms and will remain submerged until the storm season passes in October. “I’ve heard of entire mobile homes driven into the caves, there is an entire […]
Yoga Classes Land at SGF Airport
Springfield, MO – Stretching and uncomfortable poses will be encouraged at the Springfield-Branson National Airport this week as new instruction-guided yoga classes will be offered to passengers. The new programming is intended to provide relaxation to customers either before or after flight. “I am so excited that we’ll have a chance to relax in the […]
Clown vs King in SGF
Today the McCheese administration was accused by Ronald McDonald of treason for selling McRibs to Burger King. Next week, BK debuts a new rib sandwich which is described as a carbon copy of the McRib, leading to the accusations of treason. Ronald stated to FCN, “We thought we had the lock on Mystery Meat, and […]
Barker in Branson
The appearance of Price is Right legend Bob Barker in town included a visit to ‘The Price is Right Live’ in Branson. Barker commented, “When I heard they hired Jerry Springer to do my show live in Branson, I needed to give him some pointers on how to do the show right. I whipped [Drew] […]
“Mom-Seat-Belt” Formed Across The Ozarks
Springfield, MO – In a touching show of motherly support, thousands of people aged 2 to 92 extended their right arm across the person’s chest to the right of them, thereby forming the largest mom-seat-belt chain in the world. The mom-seat-belt stretched nearly 19 miles and ran from downtown Springfield to the square in Ozark, […]
Angry Swarms of Loft Dwellers Descend on Hapless Street Preacher
Springfield, MO – A disaster of Biblical proportions filled the streets of downtown Springfield, as a street preacher was subjected to the anger of the urban loft dwellers. The loft dwellers are accustomed to the usual weekend street noises of loud music, traffic, and occasional fisticuffs between night club customers. But a man with a […]
Nondiscrimination Task Force Really Bringing Together Community
Springfield, MO – According to the chairman of the nondiscrimination task force, efforts to illuminate feelings and attitudes on sexual orientation and gender identity has really bonded the immediate community together in a colossal argument. “People love to fight. And what we’ve got here is a momentous finger-pointing match that is exhilarating,” said Nick Yonder […]
Springer-Style Fights On Price is Right in Branson
Branson, MO–The Welk Resort announced today that television host Jerry Springer will host “The Price is Right Live!” fights in Branson May 28 to June 8. Springer is the host of “The Jerry Springer Show,” which is in its 22nd season of showcasing spectacular Mommy-Daddy child custody fights. Springer previously hosted “The Price is Right […]
Neon Banking Sign Lights Up Lofts
Springfield, MO – Several downtown loft dwellers were upset following the opening of the Great Southern branch across the street from their building, its neon sign lighting up the night and shining checking offers through their bedroom windows. “At first I was disgusted by the sign, it was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep so I […]
High School Students Looking Forward To End of the Year Major Revelations/Complete Closure
Springfield, MO- High school students all over Springfield are looking forward to the end of school not only because of summer break being right around the corner, but the end of the year revelations and total closure each school year brings. “It is just like all the movies,” said high school junior Alex Randish. “All […]
