Assessors Office to Accept Different Forms of Payment

Man prepares to pay bills with a chicken

Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments.  Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef.

“Seeing how property goes up and down depending on the marketplace, we thought payments should reflect that as well.  The obvious things of value that people have besides property is gold and ground beef.”, said Kissington.  “Payments will be simple.  People will just come by the Assessors office and drop off their rings, bracelets, and necklaces.  If they have gold teeth, we will have staff on site to extract them.  If they bring in some ground round, we will put it in the deep freeze and auction it off later along with unpaid taxes due on personal property.  Our goal is not have anyone pay taxes above fair market value.”

Kissington told FCN that the Assessors office explored other payment options before deciding on gold and ground beef.  “Frankly, the number one option we had was that people gave up their first born son.  But after thinking about it, we figured that was too Jewish of an idea for this area.  We as a government institution can do more with gold and ground beef anyway.”

Homeowner Joe Publicer was pleased with the new payment plan.  “Heck, I got unused jewelry I don’t wear anymore and I don’t know how to turn them into cash.  I glad the government will take of that for me.  I also got a couple of teeth that need to be yanked.  The best part is that I have a freezer full of ground chuck that I’ll never eat since I’m now a vegan.  I’m going to come out ahead on this deal and save cash money.  It could have been worse, they could have asked for gasoline as payment only instead of the rotten teeth and old meat that I got.”

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