Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall

Sego-Cop protects Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good.

‘It started when Max was involved in a tragic Segway accident. He was chasing down a culprit who took two helpings of free samples from the Sbarro restaurant at the food court. The culprit turned slightly to the left, causing Max to head straight into the liquid hot sweet and sour sauce from the Chinese restaurant,” recalls Prof. James Brainson, the man who created Sego-Cop.

“He was badly burned, and could hardly walk so I fused his body with his trusty Segway using science,” states Brainson, “Sego-Cop has many powers greater than the common man. He can move at speeds 1.5 times faster than an average man. He is also 2 feet taller. And has machine guns as hands. Oh that. Well, once I was fusing stuff, I thought machine gun hands would be awesome,” explains Brainson. “I mean his hands and arms were perfectly fine. But, come one. Machine gun hands.”

But, not all are intimated by Sego-Cops improvements. “Oh I am totally shaking in my denim vest and head band,” states local street tough and leader of the Iron Falcons, Barry Stone. “We rule this mall with our beating sticks and twirling chains. If that cop ever shows up we are going to get in a semi-circle around him and attack that freak one or two at a time.”

Only time will tell if Sego-Cop will bring peace and propensity to the mall, as well as rediscover his humanity. “Sego-Cop, love?” states Sego-Cop has he uses his machine gun hands to create amazing shapes and animals out of bushes around the mall to impress shop girl, Eileen.

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