Classical Musicians Protect the Square with Music

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Springfield, MO – To decrease problems on the square, the Springfield Police has paired up with the Urban Districts Alliance by employing classical musicians trained in the art of self-defense and crowd control techniques to sooth criminal behavior and if necessary, strike back with a cello.

According to experts, exposure to music–especially classical music–has effectively improved and affected behaviors and attitudes. “Our musicians are trained to kill, not only with beautiful compositions but also with a deadly bellicose to the face,” said Springfield Orchestra spokesperson Tai Lomartha.
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Several musicians, when approached, were eager to participate in the program. “For years, I’ve delivered lovely instrumentals on stage but I was never one who could win a bar fight. Now, after hand-to-hand combat training, I’m ready to clash with the worst possible conductor of violence on the square,” said Natalie Birthington, second chair piccolo.

Fighting crime one note at a time, these musicians are staking their reputation and lives to make the Ozarks a safer place to live. “I’ve noticed a huge change,” said Randall Fissure, who owns a nearby business, “the ragtag freaks are driven away by the sophisticated sounds and some are even frozen in their tracks by the melodies. Those who put up resistance are met with a swift crescendo of pain and suffering.”