Irresponsible Parents Flock to Parks Department’s Parents Night Out Program

Child weeping in the Parks woods

Springfield, MO – The Parks Department has been flooded with request from irresponsible parents looking to drop their children off at the next event. Most inquires have consisted of calls from moms and dads who are seeking legal separation from their children that are imposing upon their lifestyles.

“If you could…um…y’know take my kid for a night that’d be like awesome,” said Nick Kiffersuck who is looking to kick his kid to the curb to engage in more bar scene activity. Martha Featherton said, “I mean if the Parks department isn’t a safe alternative then I’m going to go back to leaving my kid alone on the roof while I’m away. I always tell her ‘don’t get too close to the edge’”.
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The Parks Department has responded with a No Child. Left Alone. campaign that offers parents the opportunity to drop off children and hope that they are lost to the woods. “My children are fascinated by the Hansel & Gretel, so I offered to take them to the Parks PNO. I told them most likely they would be left alone and forced to traverse wilderness without food or shelter for hours. I forgot to mention the part about leaving a bread-crumb trail because if they came back while I was cooking meth, well it would just disrupt the entire operation,” said Lovanna Dickferd.

In response the Parks Department is instituting a strict “keep your eyes on the kids” policy that encourages workers to actually watch children. Further, a “be responsible”, “keep a head count” and “for-the-love-of-Christ-don’t-lose-any-more-children” guideline document has been published on the department’s website.