Start-Button Black Hole Discovered In Parking Lot

Push-button drivers are warned where not to park

Springfield, MO – Hundreds of start-button automobile owners are falling victim to the electronic black hole situated miles beneath the parking lot at James River Town Center, a shopping destination on East Independence Street.

“We pulled in, parked and shopped at Kohl’s for about 40 minutes. When we came out our new car wouldn’t start. The tow truck company pulled our vehicle about 300 feet and it started right up. Never seen anything like it,” said Felicity Meshtop of Brentwood neighborhood.

Research scientist Raul Digumtinez, of the Missouri Institute of Natural Science, claims that the strange phenomenon can be attributed to a recent discovery he and his team made miles under the Queen City’s surface.
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“We were traversing Riverbluff Cave, as we normally do, and a new corridor appeared. We can only assume the entryway fell recently revealing this new tunnel system. We followed it for hours until we hit a dangerous and deep cavern that penetrated the Earth for thousands of feet. It was pulsing with energy. I’ve never experienced anything like it. We geo-tagged our location and found that it was directly beneath parking lot in front of Kohl’s,” whispered Digumtinez, careful not to cause alarm.

Authorities claim that the black hole is closely related to the sink holes commonly found in Southwest Missouri. A simple dislodging of earthen materials by water flow or in this case energy flow can cause a cavern to collapse and a vortex to become opened.

To prevent time-consuming auto failures, parking spots have been identified nearest the black hole as “Manual Key Only” and drivers are reminded to avoid black hole parking spots until a plug can be inserted into the annoying freak of nature.