Archive for January, 2013
Shoney’s Closing Upsets Citizens Still Living in the 1980’s
Springfield, MO- The Springfield and Ozark location of Shoney’s restaurant will be closing to the disappointment of numerous Springfieldians still living in the 1980’s. The citizens still stuck in the past are now wondering where they will eat while discussing such hot topics as: Gremlins, Michael J. Fox, the rise of Madonna and the Challenger […]
Springfield “Cardinals” and Hammons Field Both Become “Diverging Diamonds”
Springfield, MO - In the continued celebration of all things diverging, officials with Hammons Field and local Minor League Baseball affiliate, The Springfield Cardinals, have made an announcement that, with the help of MODOT, they will redesign the stadium’s field into a diverging diamond as well as adopt it as the new official team name for […]
Group Flashes Mob at SBC
Springfield, MO – In a strange twist of fate, a rabid mob was chased away by a group of flashing patrons this week. The angry mob had entered the brewery demanding mead and horses but was deterred when diners showed their naked selves. “It was scary. Nobody knew what to do until one person started […]
Romantic People of Walmart in SGF
SPRINGFIELD (MO) – Many Springfield residents met last week to discuss the pros and cons of building a new Walmart store in the downtown area. After more than an hour of impassioned pleas from the gallery, the Springfield Zoning and Planning Commission recommended approval for a Walmart Neighborhood Market near the intersection of Campbell and […]
AT&T Outage Allows People to Enjoy Lives
Springfield, MO – A regional cellphone outage tied to a national U-verse problem allowed Ozarkians the opportunity to toss their mobile phone for a few hours, free from connectivity to the outside world. “I love AT&T for this outage. I finally had time to listen to my husband instead of zoning out on my phone. […]
Start-Button Black Hole Discovered In Parking Lot
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of start-button automobile owners are falling victim to the electronic black hole situated miles beneath the parking lot at James River Town Center, a shopping destination on East Independence Street. “We pulled in, parked and shopped at Kohl’s for about 40 minutes. When we came out our new car wouldn’t start. […]
Cattle Heads Stolen From Farm
Marionville, MO – According to a grotesque trail of bovine blood, nearly thirty cattle were decapitated and left for dead in Lawrence County. The heads were completely removed and relocated to another place, far away from their previous location…atop their shoulders. The Lawrence County Sheriff confirmed that 27 head of cattle were stolen from a […]
Gun Show Sells Out of Guns – Starts Selling Slingshots
Springfield, MO – Gun sales over the weekend exceeded expectations as Ozarkers snatched up every last pistol, rifle, and rocket launcher during the Gun Show at the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds. Pink lady guns to camo covered assault rifles flew off the vendor’s tables into the overjoyed hands of anxious buyers. Arms dealers at the Gun […]
Characters Invade SLT Big Party
Springfield, MO – Springfield Little Theater is anticipating a horde of fairy tale characters at the Big Party event Saturday night. “We had the idea for a costume party but somewhere along the way we opened some sort of book portal…it is really, really strange. I saw Mufasa walking the stage earlier today – fo […]
City Tangles with the Wrong Clown!
Springfield, MO – City efforts to thwart a sign-posting clown in southwest Springfield have heighted. According to sources, the citizen-clown has taken measures to protect his property from prying government inspectors. “We have reason to believe that the property in question has been equipped with tripwires that release laughing gas, confetti-stuffed landmines and flying attack […]
Barney…
Child number three and Barney, much to my chagrin, is still around. His programming may have been discontinued but he still lingers in the form of these ghastly videos. Somehow, this goofy, purple, dinosaur-looking bastard transcends time and makes a mockery out of the pain and disappointment that is the real world. For Barney and […]
Jay Nixon Totally Inaugurated All Day
Jefferson City, MO – According to sources, Governor Jay Nixon was totally inaugurated today on the Capitol lawn in front of scores of attendees. The ceremonial initiation was pronounced to be “bitchin’” and “gnarly” by supports in the crowd. The day was full of swearing, as Lt. Gov Peter Kinder, Sec. of State Jason Kandor, […]
That Guy From Coldplay Becomes Interim Head Baseball Coach for SBU
BOLIVAR, MO – Word has recently come out that Chris Martin is Southwest Baptist University’s head baseball coach–as in the lead singer for Coldplay. Coldplay, the popular British alt-rock band is on a temporary hiatus, in spite of their continued success, so that Martin can coach at the Bolivar college. “Coldplay will be reluctantly taking […]
Local Man Launches New Asocial Network
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Anti-Zuckerbergians across the world may find a new hero here in the good old Ozarks in well-known local entrepreneur Willie Czonka. Czonka announced recently the launching of a new asocial networking site aptly named InYourFacebook, which promises a creative outlet for curmudgeons, cuckolds, catamounts, cranks and crackpots. “Many of us are thoroughly […]
