Downtown Fundamentalists Take Lessons from “Cash for Gold”

Twirling, shaking and juggling added to crazy sign repertoire

Springfield, MO – On an average weekend night in downtown Springfield, you might see different groups of people from over-dressed college kids, gigging musicians, street performers, the guy with the telescope, to many of the “square rats” with their skateboards, shouting, and/or hand drums.  But the one constant to any weekend night downtown are the religious fundamentalists clutching wooden signs of morality on the corner of Walnut St. and South Ave.

For more than a decade now, through the harshest winters and the humid summers, these devout men have stoically camped on the Southwest corner of the intersection, impervious to debates with drunken youths.  However, as impressive as their regularity, longevity, and ability to block the regular flow of foot traffic has been, some in their sect are calling for the use of more modern sign techniques in their never ending attempt to communicate hateful warnings of sin such as adultery and homosexuality.

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By analyzing the statistics behind successful sign manipulation, Jeremiah believes that his religious brethren could use these “signometrics” to more effectively communicate his sect’s message of eternal damnation.

“Employing signometrics could dramatically increase our annual conversions from its rate of zero to as high as, dare I say, one!  I can dream can’t I?”