Archive for March, 2012
Springfield – Branson Airport Picks Up Branson to Springfield Flight
Springfield, MO – In an effort to cross-promote tourism in the area, the Springfield – Branson Airport has announced a new flight from Branson to Springfield and back. The short flight is anticipated to increase spending in the Ozarks by hundreds of dollars. “We expect that the crosstown traffic generated is going to allow more […]
Confused Audiences Think “Hunger Games” is “Winter Bone” Sequel
Springfield, MO- Ozark audiences were wowed by the dystopian young adult novel turned movie “The Hunger Games”, but mostly because they thought it was a sequel to “Winter’s Bone” due to many factors. The confusion was caused because the actress starred in both movies and the setting of District 12 is exactly like Ozarks. “Whoa, […]
Canadian Students Go “South of Border” For Spring Break, End Up In Ozarks
Springfield, MO- Much like US college students go Mexico to celebrate drunken debauchery for their Spring Break, Canadian students go “south of the border” for their fun. Although many party-going Canadians go to wild and crazy cities such as Cincinnati, Ohio; Lincoln, Nebraska; and Des Moines, Iowa – many find themselves in the hedonistic hub […]
Man convinced Newt Gingrich is Phil Donahue in Fat Suit
Springfield, MO - Twenty nine-year-old Springfieldian Nat Alther, who is a die-hard Newt Gingrich fan, said he believed the man who has been running for President and calls himself Newt Gingrich is actually Phil Donahue in a fat suit. Mr. Alther discovered this while pretending to be a busboy at a local Holiday Inn where […]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
Crumbly-Building Man Fails to Save Costume Shop
Springfield, MO – The former “Costume Shop” near downtown Springfield at Main Avenue and W. Nichols Street collapsed despite the efforts of superhero Crumbly-Building Man, who was eating lunch close-by at Pappy’s Place. “He comes in every week for the lunch special. But today was different. During lunch he kept mentioning that his ‘crumbly-building senses’ […]
Mayor McCheese Wins MO Caucus!
Springfield, MO – At the Caucuses in Greene County Saturday, an unexpected entry from McDonald’s Mayor McCheese made for some interesting votes. McCheese arrived at the voting just in time for lunch, offering the crowd some free Big Macs, McRibs, and fries. “I heard the clowns were in town and forgot that the Circus was […]
Meat Locker Yoga Classes Begin in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Yoga aficionados across the globe are looking to Southwest Missouri for a new form of inspirational stretching while being subjected to cold, freezing conditions known as Frozen Yoga. “I’ve never seen anything like it, very inspiring,” said highly respected yoga master B.K.S. Iyengar from his home in India. “Frozen Yoga is a […]
God Okay with Idol Worship in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy […]
MSU Students Vow To Hunt and Kill Kony for Spring Break
Springfield, MO – With MSU’s Spring Break around the corner, many students are looking forward to relaxation, cutting lose, and visiting love ones. But, some students have a more productive way to spend their vacation: hunting and killing Ugandan warlords. “I was so moved by the Kony 2012 video that I knew I […]
FEMA Blind to Disaster in SW MO
Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and […]
Spring Wakens Famous Ozark Spotted Terror-weevil
Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare […]
Black Ink Comics – March
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