Archive for December, 2009
Area Mob Boss Hit Hard By Recession
by Flattop Tony Polumbo Mom and pop businesses have been hit hard by our country’s recent economic downturn, but what about the world’s first mom and pop business, the Mafia? I know, many of you think that during a crisis, the mob is always there to make some money by scamming the local babbos. You […]
Nixa Athletics Logo to Change
Nixa, MO—Given the close proximity to the Philadelphia Eagles existing logo, the Nixa school district is considering new unique designs to avoid any legal ramifications. After an exhaustive search online, several new designs have been identified. The public is welcome to vote for their favorite design here. “Our current logo was designed by a person […]
Middle Aged Woman’s Head Explodes Due to Celebrity Appearances
Springfield, MO—Early Friday morning Julie Trumble, a middle aged woman, experienced a head explosion as she realized three of her favorite celebrities were in the Ozarks. Sarah Palin, Kathleen Turner, and John Tesh have all graced the Queen City with their presence over the past few days, causing hysteria and general hoopla within the female […]
Man Claiming to Have “Moved On” Still Sends Drunk Texts to Ex
Springfield, MO – Kurt Finn, 29, of Nixa woke up on Saturday morning with a headache and these missed texts: WTF?, U left me!, and LOL! YOU ARE SUCH a F*@%! The night started out like any other Friday evening for Finn, at Trolley’s Grill & Bar in Springfield. He was enjoying some half-price apps […]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits. Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once […]
Show Us Your Teats: Milk Farm Busted
Conway, MO—Last week an undercover sting operation nabbed two crooked felonious outlaws hawking a controlled substance: raw milk. The milk maids nabbed in the months-long operation are charged with the reprehensible crime of selling “raw milk” to two undercover investigators on the parking lot of a Mama Jean’s natural food market. Armand and Teddi Bechard […]
