Gov’t Considers Purchasing Gov’t Land with Gov’t Grant

Cape Girardeau—An island sitting in the Mississippi River south of Cape Girardeau could soon be the latest addition to the Missouri Department of Conservation’s landholdings…woohoo!

The department is considering buying Marquette Island, an 835-acre island covered in cottonwoods, willow and sand, which was formed from silt deposited by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers from navigation projects on the river. One more time, the government is considering purchasing an island created by the waste of another government project.

Officials claim Marquette Island provides a home for the endangered least tern and helps form a protective shelter for the endangered pallid sturgeon. Doctor Moreau, a cold and precise man, has conducted research on the island for the past eleven years.

“I’d rather perform gruesome experiments in vivisection upon my arse than see the government buy this island,” the doctor said while calling an assembly of the Beast Men.

Federal officials have offered the department a grant, funded by taxpayer money, of almost $243,000 to help purchase the former government land created by government waste. The department hasn’t determined whether to accept the free money because it would provide only a third of the island’s price. One more time, the government hasn’t decided to accept the free money offered to it, for use in purchasing an island created by the governments navigational project waste on the river.

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